Anticipating Grief

The other day, one of my friends on social media posted that she was triggered the other night after watching the TV show, Highway to Heaven. The show’s sensitive storylines made her cry. She’d gone through a loss and asked...“will the tears last forever?”

“Oh yes,” I replied, … “They will come and go forever, but I like to think of them as an overflow of love rather than a trigger.”

From experience, I know the feeling well – the way tears well up in your heart, your throat, your eyes… it’s even hard to swallow. As the saying goes, it’s “choking back the tears.” 

But then, if you allow it, the tears will flow, and it feels like such a relief. There they are… a reassuring reminder of all the love you still carry for the one you’ve lost.

Did you know the chemical makeup of tears is different depending on the emotions behind them? I think tears of grief are meant to break through the resistance to feeling sad. Instead, they open the heart to soothing tears. It’s a surge of love. 

Have you heard of the term “anticipatory grief?” This term is typically associated with impending loss, whether it’s the decline of an elderly parent, a significant life change like divorce or an empty nest, or an aging animal.

Or, it might be a personal health diagnosis, or a spouse facing cancer. It’s the reluctance and fear you feel when you don’t know how much time you have left.

I experienced anticipatory grief with my husband, Jim, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer seven years ago. Although we had the diagnosis, it was hard to believe he had cancer because we had a remarkable quality of life. Jim had courage. He faced every treatment with optimism and remarkably few side effects.

Each morning we’d start the day with our mantra…”We’re so lucky we have such a wonderful life!” Because of that appreciation, we never wasted time over silly disagreements and filled our days with meaning…. even if it was just a trip to Costco! It was the simple things we loved, like cooking together, watching “Outlander” (our favorite show) on Netflix, or taking a walk on the nature trails behind our home.  Life was for us, and we were determined to make each day something special. 

But there were days I’d find myself rehearsing how I would feel when he’d eventually pass. I’d silently mourn and then swiftly shift my thoughts to “hope.”

The doctors said he’d only live 2 years… but we were on year 7 simply because Jim’s will to live was so strong that we continued with new and cutting-edge treatments that bought him bits of time.

To us, those bits of time were like days of gold.

Sometimes, though, I would find myself spiraling in and out of grief, but then rise strong when there was the tiniest shred of hope with each new addition to his treatment….

But his cancer was never cured, only postponed, until one day we knew he only had weeks left.

He died on June 9th in our home, in such a quiet peaceful way with love surrounding him. It was just the way we had planned.

When my son Garrett died at just 16, it was like a tornado. There was no anticipation, no forewarning… he awoke with a fever one day and was dead the next morning. That was the hardest experience of my life. That was how I viewed grief; as torturous, unbearable, and shocking. It took years to recover enough to feel safe again.

But Jim’s loss was different. He was the love of my life, and there was nothing unfinished about our love. We knew it was inevitable that we were buying time, so we loved each other to the fullest and had time to express everything we ever wanted to say to each other. That love is still an enduring force that will never die within me.

In large part, I think I owe gentle grieving to anticipatory grief. I’m so glad I didn’t fight it. I just let it resonate and settle in for just a while. When the time came, grief was like a familiar old friend, and I knew I would survive.

And that’s all we can really ask for… surviving the loss of a loved one and infusing all the love, the joys, and beauty they represented into your new chapter of life.

My hope for you is that if you are anticipating a change in your life, a challenge, or a loss you know is coming… don’t fight it. Lean into it.

Go ahead and let yourself contemplate what it might be like when that life-changing event becomes real. Don’t feel guilty or that you’re betraying the hope of a miracle. This is a normal and natural reaction to these impending events. But don’t dwell in it too long, either.

Allow yourself to cry and seek comfort in the tears. And when you stop crying, you’ll see how It fortifies you and empowers you to bravely face the next day… and the next. You’ll learn you can give in to grieving, regroup, and go about your day.

I am now reimagining my life after 14 years with my husband, seven of those where cancer was a constant companion. It took a lot to decompress from the inertia of living with cancer.

You don’t realize how much of your brain is consumed with the illness in the marriage and home until it’s suddenly gone.

I’m finding that I’m revisiting things I used to do. I’m making coffee dates, doing a little traveling to visit old friends, writing again… wow…. Yes, it was so difficult to write in the throes of cancer holding my mind and heart hostage. I’m reluctantly released, but I wish he didn’t have to die for my mental freedom.

I’m learning to live with myself… just me… alone for the first time in 14 years.

I’ve crossed the threshold from one chapter of my life, slowly dipping my pen into the next… and I can see myself making progress.

That’s all I can ask for now.

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